Something heavy

Something in me feels heavy. I have been feeling it since morning since my plan got disrupted and i decided to be alone inside my room.

I lay on my bed trying to process things and feelings that came up. Feelings that got triggered. I felt a little regulated and while the anger faded grief took its place.

I have been reading and understanding how important it is to just be with feelings but the mind is so clever that we can be lying to ourselves in the exact moment we feel we are speaking the truth.

I’m writing this for myself because the jumbled alphabets keep meeting each other and telling me a thousand stories in all sorts of permutations and combinations - mostly unpleasant. Stories i believe, stories i don’t know how to stop believing.

While i dwell on this heaviness, i will take a detour using the metaphorical flashlight of words to remind myself that i did not abandon myself in all of this today.

Generally when i used to be angry or sad, i stopped eating but now that i do genuinely care about myself, i chose not to starve myself and punish myself this way. It wasn’t me who needed punishment. I needed care and so i fed myself, even if a little late but that’s because it skipped my mind amidst all the anger.

It is a big thing because i didn’t make myself feel bad about how bad i had been feeling. But even then guilt in subtle layers show up. Guilt for not being healed already, for late realisations, for being sad, i don’t know., I’m yet to ask it why.. it doesn’t answer in clean sentences but reveals it through convoluted contradictions.

Ive not sung or played guitar in days now. Music is a happy thing to me, maybe it’s a way to keep it away from the sadness of it all. Keep it clean. Again, i don’t know.

Words are now choking in my throat.

It wants to be felt instead of puked.

Is this what I’m doing?

I don’t know.

My breathing’s shallow

Body braced

Eyes dry on the outside

And heart heavy

Lately, i had been feeling pride on my skill to not hold on to momentarily disruption - anger, sadness..

Today i let go too

But something stayed. Something that feels important to not let go. Yet.

It wants me to stay with it. And tbh it is making me slight angry when i know it’s not fair to that part of me.

I often pause in these moments because knowing requires action here which isn’t as clean, as easy.